What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 14:16
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I never cut or harmed myself..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What is the most inappropriate thing your wife has done in front of you?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
How can you maintain self-control?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im still living with it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it wasn’t much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Is it painful for men to wear bras, panties, and tampons?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Who is the dumbest law enforcement officer you have ever encountered?
Ive learnt so much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We all went to grammer schools
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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She was in good health!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What does the Bible say about the Antichrist? How will we know when he arrives on the scene?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
When she asked me how she looked .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Would this be the day?
I was scared of men, in general
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She wouldn,t have been !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It was going to be , some day.
What did i know ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Comes on , in middle age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So whats the point in blame.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But, we were locked up after school.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
All the time i was locked up.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I think the readers, may guess!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One cannot live in the past .
He knew the spot.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She loved him until the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I have no regrets .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My life is so biszare .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Who then, do I blame.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I don,t even have a pension.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is soul school!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was very sick at this time too.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I waited trembling.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I said to her
My family never makes their pension either.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Put me off passion for life!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We were not on the streets..
(And it was in our own minds.)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I write beautiful poetry .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was 9 years of age.
So, i spoilt her more .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I will be 64.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And i lived it daily.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im dying but, im not bitter.